Glass Half Full ...

Afternoon 

Today my Mummy took me out for a sandwich at a little vintage emporium near me. I even managed to walk around a little bit and bought myself a new dress! 

I did have a bit of a blip where a wall of tiredness hit me hard, so I needed to be helped back to the car, taken back home and into bed, where I promptly burst into tears.

It’s funny with this whole heart thing. Most of the time I feel pretty positive, but I get these flashes of really intense anger over what I now can’t do.

I can’t go to work. I was about to start temping again.

I can’t drive. I just passed my test in February AND am getting a new car.

I can’t bellydance. I fucking love bellydancing, I jiggle like a lava lamp and I have mad skillz.

I can’t walk, so running/jumping/skipping not a fucking chance.

I can’t travel into London to go see my friends. Everyone has to come to me, which is a pain in the arse.

I can’t go anywhere alone or without my phone. I even take my phone to the loo with me. I feel like a child.

I can’t fly (I mean in a plane…not literally…well I can’t fly like that either)

I can’t go up big flights of stairs, not that this was a pastime of mine.

The big one is I now worry I can’t have kids, the pressure on my heart could be too much. That one hurts the most.

The list of things I can’t do at the moment seems endless. But then I remember that each day the list of things I can do grows a little.

First in hospital it was sitting up, then walking to the loo. When I got home it was using the stairs unaided. Then I focused on standing long enough to cook my meals, standing in the shower on my own, being able to feed the cats and I can walk a little bit further each day. 

The domestic chore stuff can kiss my arse for a bit though. Thank feck for the cleaner!

And today I managed to do my favourite pastime for a while. SHOPPING!

Some of the things on my can’t do list I know I’ll be able to achieve in time, but it’s so bloody frustrating. My Mum suggested getting me a wheelchair so we could go out a bit more, but my pride scoffed at that idea. I’ll get better and build my strength up on my own.

My heart had just better keep up.

xxx