Don't worry I didn't die!
I know it's been a while since I updated this blog. In the beginning I wanted to do it as a way to vent my frustrations and also keep friends and family updated on how I've been doing. But it got too hard. Every time I wrote about it all the worst case scenarios came up in my mind, took root and stayed there.
But I thought now it's been a year since I came out of hospital I should do an update or two before I sign off.
I had a scan in March and it's showed I've had a big jump in my heart function (Ejection Fraction) that's gone up from 28% to 43% (normal is 55% and above)
I hope it has jumped that much anyway...when the nurse told me my results this month she had to get them from my Cardiologist's secretary over the phone!
This was obviously great news! I'm now no longer suffering with severe/chronic heart failure it's just moderate heart failure, sounds much less terrifying and death-y, so YAY! *does Liz Lemon dance*
But it was followed up with being told that the left side of my heart still isn't working properly...and they have no idea why, if it will improve, etc.
I'm relieved of course. I now don't feel as scared my heart's going to give in at a moments notice and kill me. The problem is I haven't felt the jump in function yet. I'm still exhausted a lot of the time and chest pains are also a big problem.
I've started a cardiac focused exercise class once a week, where I am the youngest person there by 100 years, but thankfully not the shittest. This has helped my heart start to rebuild itself and given me more confidence to push myself a bit more in my day to day exercising. I've got an exercise bike at home and I do a bit each day too.
I've also started counselling so I can talk about everything that's happened and try to deal with my anger and fear in a more constructive way. The lady helping me is wonderful, she's compassionate, kind and very intuitive.
I'm hoping in a couple of months the exhaustion will start easing off so I can start some part time work! I really REALLY want to get back to work, the problem is I'm not ready to go back into theatre events/producing. It's far too time consuming and physically active for me. To be honest I may never be able to go back to it.
So now I'm faced with the dilemma of what I do next?!?
Seriously... WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?!?!?
My answer goes back to my first love, writing. Don't laugh. Stop it. PEOLE MAKE MONEY DOING IT!
I already make a bit of money through the comics side of my work so I want to see if I can turn that into an actual proper job.
I love editing and am good at it, I'm not too bad at the writing side of comics either. I also enjoy writing articles/features and already make a bit of money from all of these already.
I just feel a bit clueless about the next step. Should I start my own website? Just pitch articles to the bigger press sites/mags? Take a class of some kind? Honestly I have no idea.
I need to start wrapping my head around actually beginning to plan a life again. A real life without fear, where I can set myself goals and achievements. And also have money to buy shiny stuff.
Fuck. This is going to be hard isn't it?
