She talked about how the improvement in my heart function (EF remember?) was common in acute cases once drugs were administered.
Acute....that one fucking word sent me into a spiral of panic. I mean, I knew it was bad, I couldn't breathe properly when they took me into hospital and while stuck on the ward I could see my heart rate was the highest there by quite a way.
But being reminded of that by this one word...acute. Not just acute though. My symptoms were 'very acute'.
FUCKSHITBOLLOCKSARSEGRAVYBISCUITS!
The letter also confirms the waiting I have to do. She doesn't want to guess the 'degree of my dysfunction' yet.
I'll have my next scan in September. If I'm improving that's great. I just carry on. But if not...then I get a little machine put in my chest to make sure my heart doesn't just stop. But if it gets worse, then I go on the transplant list.
Today is a day where I just want to sob hysterically and scream at everything. This is not fair. This shit is just so-not-fair. I'm only 27, I do not want to die young. I have SO many things I want to do with my life before they take me underground kicking and screaming 'I DON'T WANT TO GO ON THE CART!!'
I hate having to wait for so long to know if I'm going to slowly get better. I hate worrying every single sodding time my chest twinges. I hate that I am constantly checking my pulse absent-mindedly. I hate that I feel like a fucking invalid. And I really hate that sometimes I give in to all this uncertainty and just break down.
The doc also talks about how I have a narrow complex QRS....no fucking idea what that is!
I wish in these letters they'd try and explain the terminology more. To make it less terrifying! But I trust my cardiologist, and I know there's fuck all I can do in the meantime.
So I just keep going, and I'll try to ignore this traitor in my chest who's let me down so very badly.
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