UGH!!!

This weekend was the first time I have been completely alone since leaving hospital. I thought I'd be OK. But I fell to pieces a little bit.

All I could think about is 'what happens if something goes wrong?' I'd be on my own and no one would be able to help me or find me.

It is fucking awful living with this kind of fear hanging over you. I can normally keep it in the back of my mind so it just niggles occasionally. But when you're stuck indoors with just a pair of insane cats for company...your brain goes into overdrive.

Seriously, look at this cat. He is insane. He yowled because I wouldn't let him sit on my face.

It is exhausting being this emotional. I feel like I'm coming to terms with what's happened to me, then I'll have a blip where my chest hurts or feels heavy and I'm dragged back down with an almighty bump. Then earlier today one stupid picture came up on facebook with facts about heart transplants.




I hate thinking about how this stupid heart could cut my life that much shorter and I really HATE being reminded of that too.

Knowing I have another three months to wait until I have an idea if I'm definitely improving just sucks, it sucks a big bag of hairy man balls!

There is also a huge amount of guilt that comes with this too. I feel like a huge burden on my partner and family, both emotionally and financially. Honestly I just want to go off and find a cave, curl up in my duvet, eat a huge bag of doritos and sleep until my body somehow fixes itself.

I hate the pity I get from people too. The way their heads tilt and ask 'so how're you doing?' In that irritating honey glazed tone. 'How the fuck do you think I'm doing? My heart isn't working properly and all I can think about is trying to not die!'

Thank fuck for my friends who keep me sane by making jokes at my expense.

Friend: 'You wanna watch Voyager?'
Me: 'No, Voyager fucking sucks.'
Friend: 'Pfffft, clearly your heart not working is affecting your brain ... you giant twat.'

I can rely on them to make me laugh. So thank you to every friend, family member and total strangers who have made me laugh or enquired how I'm doing (without the head tilt!) or came to visit, or called, wrote a letter, sent a pigeon, got naked and danced for me, let me watch Blue Brothers a thousand times, baked me stuff and so on.



I appreciate any and all the distractions. I'm going to go cheer the fuck up and try to make my next post less emo .... and deathy.