My brain feels broken.

I am getting a tad frustrated.

I'm not seeing my cardiologist until January and I have no fucking idea what's going to happen next, in terms of my heart recovery.

I don't know if it'll just be a scan or an angiogram (they stick a tube up your leg into your heart, then dye is injected and x-ray's are taken of your heart to show up how your arteries are working and where any damage is) or if she'll want to think about putting a pacemaker in there.

It's been playing on my mind recently all this stuff. Especially after a guy close to my age, with my heart condition (Dilated Cardiomyopathy...y'know my big flappy heart) has just been told he needs to go on the transplant list for a new heart.

I know it's a totally different person and everybody heals differently but this still shit me up big time.

The worst thing with all this going on is the effect on my mental health. I feel like I'm half a person, I'm constantly berating myself for being broken and not being able to get on with my life and do all the boring normal things people take for granted.

I went to visit friends last weekend for a wonderful night out, but had to make sure I had somewhere else to stay as I knew I wouldn't be able to last for the whole evening. 

It makes me feel caged, frustrated and very, very dull. And I am fed up of it all.

I am also sick of having to constantly explain myself to people. Because I look perfectly normal on the outside most people assume I'm fine now. Or that I should be doing better. One conversation which I was told I should 'just try going out more and not stay in so much' made me want to commit mass genocide.

Do you not think I want to go out more? Do you think I like being stuck in my own home day after day with nothing but cats and twitter for company?! This is not a fucking life. Some days it is a living hell for me.

I was also told that I'd feel better once I had a proper job so I'd be a functioning member of society again. Wonderful.

A lot of people don't understand the condition I have and don't try to. My heart does not pump properly so I'm not getting enough oxygen pumped round and everything is happening much slower so my body gets tired. And I mean my whole body, right down to my toes.

When I'm tired I just go, I'm like the shit bunny in those cocking Duracell rabbit adverts. I physically slow down and my speech becomes slurred and sometimes difficult to understand. I can't concentrate on anything at all and it's pretty frightening for me and it has been for my friends.

However...

My cardiac exercise classes are making a difference to me, even if that difference is just a mental one, I feel like I can do a bit more. My stamina is up and so are my energy levels. I'm still fucking knackered all the time but I am a little better at pushing through it all.

The weight loss has kicked off again with all the extra exercise, which is wonderful. I get scared that if I did suddenly get worse and needed a new heart, they wouldn't give me one because I'm such a heffer. 

If you know someone who is having a bit of a shit time at the moment...give them a squidge. I know it helps me! I'll update y'all when I've seen my cardiologist next month.

Xxx