Hello, is it me you're looking for?

I can see it in your eyes, I can see it in your smiiiiiile! *cough* enough of that...

Long time no see. 

I've been neglectful of this blog, because it is exhausting thinking about being ill all the bloody time. But a friend of mine pointed out the reason I do this blog, WHICH IS; to help people, like me, who have this shitty heart problem understand it more. 

Especially the day to day living part.

So, to get you up to speed...Hi, my name's Sara! I'm 28, I have Dilated Cardiomyopathy and am recovering from Heart Failure.

Note my 'Oh feck!!!' face

I told you all that I've been trying to get back to doing a bit of work. It's challenging to say the least. One day I can feel pretty ok and sit and my desk, then get through a few books and an article or two (writer/editor for a living). 

THEN the next day I'll go downstairs to make breakfast, and am so tired out from doing this, that I'll nap until the afternoon.

I have wonderfully understanding clients and friends. People who know that I may miss a deadline, but only just...I'd rather eat poo than hand in a project late. So trying to juggle this new workload is a challenge.

The freelance jungle is tough and not forgiving to a sicky invalid like me. So any paid work I come across, I pounce on and devour (even the bones.) This has lead to me taking on projects so frustrating that I have wanted to smash my own brains out on my desk.

I'll give you a couple of examples. I had one charming writer, who decided to react to my editorial notes by telling me that I clearly didn't understand his comic, because I'm a 'girl' (no...it's because it was shite). And another who took the view in his book that the depressed girl who self harmed just needed a guy to fix her.

Yo, dickheads!  A) Do your research, mental illness gets a shit rep in mainstream media and I won't publish any crap that highlights DAMAGING stereotypes and B) you ever use my gender as a throwback to why I can't work in or understand comics, I will tear you a new one and drop your book like a hot, sexist potato.

Moving swiftly on. Money wise I'm still utterly buggered. I have no idea if I'm entitled to benefits, because we have no idea how this heart condition is going to affect me long term. I'm trying to figure out if I can afford to do my National Insurance contributions somehow, otherwise my pension is screwed.

Better news on the 'getting hold of info on my condition' front though! I joined the Cardiomyopathy Association. They have a direct line or e-mail (if you fear actual human contact, like me) where you can ask dedicated heart nurses ANY question you want.

This was helpful, as someone who was a slight hypochondriac before being told they had a life threatening heart condition.

They also send me a quarterly newspaper...not so great, as the first article I looked at told me that people with my condition, and an ejection fraction (force heart pumps blood round the body) below 30% (mine's 25%) were more likely to die...NOT COMFORTING!

I still have no idea if my heart is improving or staying the same. My scan is booked in for September 10th then I'll see my heart nurse later in the month, if she remembers to make the bloody appointment.

Keep everything crossed for me!!

Xx